With Valentine's Day approaching and last week's dating-related post (in case you missed it, I'd include the link but Men with Pens is down for maintenance at the moment), I wanted to discuss writers and their romantic partners. Talk about a can of worms, right? We literary folk are not known for our healthy, stable relationships. But I think the Sylvia Plaths of the world give the rest of us a bad name (not knocking Ms. Plath's literary chops, though - I loved The Bell Jar!). In fact, several of the men I've dated told me I'm the sanest woman they've met in a romantic context.Maybe that's because I've never dated another writer. I've dated musicians and (amateur) actors and other creative types, but never a writer. Not saying I wouldn't, but this post certainly lists some compelling reasons for writers to steer clear of other writers. Then again, Kathryn at Real Words makes a compelling argument for why writers make great SOs.
I'm somewhere in the middle. I think it's good to have someone who gets you and your lifestyle. That's why my current boyfriend and I get along so well. He's freelanced before and now works at a video game studio, so he gets why I carry my BlackBerry everywhere and spend hours busily typing away on my laptop and obsessing over the exact right word. In fact, he helped me finesse a few lines of this post (but the concept was all me). But we're in different industries, so we don't feel the need to compare accomplishments or compete with each other.
For us, it's a nice mix of creative talents and, since our skills are complementary, maybe someday we'll collaborate on a project (yes, I know creative collaborations have caused many, many breakups but I think we're up for the challenge). When I dated people with more business or science backgrounds, there was a bit of disconnect between our thought processes. And it was tough for them to grasp what I do all day.
What about you? Do you think two writers together is match made by Jane Austen? Or a tragedy ala Shakespeare? Does your partner get what you do, even if he or she does something completely different? Does it even matter as long as they're supportive?
Flickr photo courtesy of Chocolate Geek
19 comments:
I'd be okay with it, but he'd have to be okay with the notion that I have a different style and maybe more sale-able material. ;))
I'm married to a Harvard-educated dude - PhD garden variety. I've written a book he'll never read. I've written articles in which he's said, "You need to...", which is why he'll never read my book. I can take constructive criticism from anyone but my partner. Same goes for business advice. He tries, but he's not in the middle of my job or my industry. I respectfully decline his advice most days. There was a time when he was convinced that only experts can write technical articles. I convinced him otherwise by example. And I pointed out several other examples of things he's enjoyed thoroughly that were written by writers like me - non-experts in those areas. We're five-minute scholars, not multiple-degreed people!
My husband is a Mizzou J-school grad so needless to say he "gets" what I do, but he doesn't and hasn't worked in the field--ever. While getting his own business launched this summer, I had a freelance assignment that he helped me with, and it was the best thing ever because he really walked away understanding how much work and time I put into each article. Before that, he use to complain when I would have to work on freelance articles after my 9-5 job, but now, he's much for respectful of my time and my finished product.
My husband is an engineer who loves to be involved in side projects that have nothing to do with his regular job. He runs the sound board at our church, edits videos of baptisms and dance recitals, teaches snowboarding, and fixes cars.
He may not always "get" what I do because he is not an avid reader, but he completely and unreservedly supports my writing. He respects the time I need to write, and while he may not read everything I've written, he does ask questions, and provide a great sounding board when I want to talk over my ideas.
He's also willing to play with our kids while I write.
The only difficulty we have is making sure we both make room for "together" time where we spend time doing the same thing with each other and with our family.
I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with another writer . . . I just have this feeling I would be too competitive, or too worried about criticism on a daily basis.
Fun topic! My partner is totally outdoorsy and doesn't like to read much at all. We're different that way. I was a straight A student who really pushed myself, and he barely made it through college and doesn't use his degree anyway. That's fine with me. He's supportive and loving and we have tons of fun together. I don't really need or want affirmation from him about my writing. I do it for me. He may not "get" what I do, but he has faith that if it matters to me, it matters. I would so much prefer this set up to having someone else tell me how to "fix" my writing. That would not go over well!
Great post! My current boyfriend said that the little mention of being a "writer" was one of the first things he noticed about me (we met online--another story entirely) and one of my biggest selling points. He's a former chemist, which is something I know NOTHING about, but he's a great one for coming up with ideas, so sometimes we'll just sit and brainstorm (I write 2 columns, so I have to keep the ideas fresh!) He's also seen me "in action" (actively interviewing sources, and of course always at the keyboard), so I think he understands how hard I work at it and how much I believe in what I do...even if he thinks I'm a little nutty for putting up with the instability of the freelance life. :) I think we're a good balance, personally.
I think, for me, it is almost mandatory to date a writer or at the very least a creative type, just because you have more in common. Now finding the right one, that's the hard part.
My husband actually got a book out on the market before I did — I admit a little jealousy on that one. I certainly don't mind being married to another writer, but I don't know if I would do so well if he freelanced or otherwise worked from home. I have to kick him out of the house when he has a day off from work as it is.
No way. writers should only date people who have health insurance and retirement accounts. ;)
My hubby is an accountant, so he keeps my books and does my taxes. Bonus.
However, I find him very very distracting when he's home during my 9-3.
I think the key to a relationship is that the two people involved must respect each other's passions,for writers this comes easier if your SO is also a creative person. I've found that our left brain counterparts have some trouble "getting" us righties which sometimes leads to problems. when I'm up at three am because I had to put an idea down on cyber-paper, I need my partner to open one eye, smile,and go back to sleep.
My wife loves everything I write, although I think she's just trying to be nice sometimes. She's an educator and one of the best sales people you'll ever meet. Seriously. But she's no writer.
Would I be OK if she was a writer? Who knows? I don't think it matters but, I prefer her having other interests than writing. One writer in a house is probably enough.
My wife just read this comment and totally agrees. She says it's one of the best things I've ever written! ;) Gotta love her!
i thought this post was about DATING? isn't that different from being MARRIED? dating says yes and married says no...or...dating says forget it and married says why not? or...timing is everything! we've got to be friends, first and foremost. no?
@Suzanne: Good point! But I think many people date with the hope of getting married (many, but not all). So those people look for an SO who has the qualities they'd want in a spouse. In that sense, it's not that different. Plus, I appreciate the married folk weighing in on this debate.
Not only dated him, married him. We are both popular fiction writers, which means we'd rather go to ComicCon than the National Book Awards. LOVE pop culture! Love each other! Mate and create, baby! Spread the love and rock on...
~Cleo
Two writers together means wonderfully-crafted love letters...
... and when they fight, some wonderfully-crafted arguments.
I think it depends on the individuals - I am too competitive to be with another writer. But he is a creative type (a chef) and he loves to read, so he understands both my love of books and the combined demands of a day job, grad school and my other writing projects.
He, likewise, has said he could never have married another chef for the very same reasons.
This really made me laugh. I don't want another writer... I want to marry a publisher!
Wouldn't that solve all my problems?
Fun post.
I love this question.
My husband and I are both writers. He hired me. But we were just best friends until he moved on to another company because he's too principled to date a co-worker, much less an employee--I was the one saying, "Who cares? I can always get another job."
Both being writers had no effect on our dating situation at all, except that we always understood what the other was griping about regarding work and were able to give the best sympathy.
Fifteen years later, we are both at-home writers with a homeschooled 12-year-old. We all spend the day together, writing, working, talking, fielding educational questions, just being a family.
My husband and I edit all each other's business correspondence, I edit his articles and papers, he gives me feedback on my projects. We have worked contract jobs together, and the last salaried contract I had was in his department at his job.
He is right now negotiating with a publisher to write a book, which I will edit for him before he submits it.
And I am editing my own book, for which he is my one definitive pre-publication reader.
We rely entirely on each other's writing expertise. Working in the same field allows us enormous flexibility in the contracts we take, the articles we write, the jobs we consider.
And you should see the number of books we own!
I think it's great if there isn't direct competition between you. I'm currently engaged to a screenwriter, and I write primarily songs and poetry... we can help each other out but don't feel like we have to "out-do" one another.
Of course, I'm sure there are writer couples out there who deal with a little friendly competition very well.
Anne, I married a man whose uncle is a publisher - hasn't solved any of my problems! LOL
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