So how do I reconcile writing essays that include people I care about so that they will feel comfortable reading them—and I will feel okay if they read them, too?
How do I maintain others’ privacy as I write about finding my own truth and a larger universal truth, especially when those people I mention in the essay helped me find it?
Here are my guidelines.
Keep the focus on myself. Having this ground rule has given me more freedom to write than I ever could have imagined. I’m a work in progress—they’ll always be plenty to discover and improve about me, so I’m guaranteed never running out of material. I focus on myself, on the lessons I learned—about me.
Grasp the deeper meaning and higher purpose of “The Essay.” After studying the personal essay with masters like Lori Gottlieb, Andrea King Collier and Beth Levine, this is the [somewhat] distilled definition of the personal essay I live by, based on what I learned from them (prepare for a long sentence!): It’s a true story that utilizes select personal details from my life, to reveal a lesson I learned that deepened my understanding of myself, that proceeds to reveal a greater, wider universal truth beyond me. So, it’s about me, but it’s also not about me (that’s the universal truth part).
No gossip. I don’t “write” behind someone’s back meaning I don’t reveal personal details, confidences, etc that could be humiliating or just too tender or raw, no matter how compelling.
Specifics about me; generalities about them. If I’m going to write an expose, it should be about me, not them.
Ask myself: Is this my story?
View the other person as a gift that contributed to my insight. I might not have learned a lesson or reality about myself had this person not been in my life. Keep the focus on that and handle that “gift giver” gently. For me, this goes for a person living or deceased.
Tell my story, not theirs. This means when I’m writing something that includes my kids, my husband, my friend, I do my very best to frame the anecdote to reveal how they enabled/allowed/encouraged me (whether they realized it or not) to find my truth.
The discomfort test. If a person mentioned in the essay reads the essay, the only reason I would want to feel discomfort would be with what I reveal about myself—not what I mention about them.
Lay-my-head-on-the-pillow test. If a piece I’m writing is causing me so much anxiety and fear that I can’t sleep, I put it aside and reevaluate in a day, week, month or year. Sometimes I’m anxious because I’m working the meaning of a situation out, other times I’m anxious because I know in my gut that the personal essay or memoir format is not an option for a particular story, because the details about someone else are way too personal. (Which is why I’m just beginning to figure out what fiction writing is all about!)
What are your guidelines?
Meredith Resnick’s essays have appeared in Newsweek, Los Angeles Times, JAMA, The Complete Book of Aunts and many others publications. She the author of Adoption Stories at Psychology Today and the Older Parents column, coming soon to The Faster Times. She is the creator of The Writer’s [Inner] Journey.
Thanks for sharing these guidelines. Really useful to save and think about.
These are important lessons I think. It's easy to write an essay but then to think about the world reading it can be a whole other ball of wax!
Wonderful post. I took a one-day essay class with Beth through ASJA and we talked about many of the issues you bring up. I think you really hit it when you said it has to be YOUR story. And the part about being able to sleep? True! That gut feeling is an amazing thing when trying to decide of you've crossed the line on an essay.
Thank you for puting it in simple terms. I do struggle with telling a story and not taking over the other person's actions and viewpoints under my ownership. It has to be my viewpoint, my story, my experience. A journey in progress for me. I believe it's important to keep that concept even in email exchanges.
Thanks for this thoughtful and useful post on a subject that rears its head in every writer's life.
So true about focusing on yourself. My golden rule is to make fun of myself and not of others. I might get a laugh when I make fun of others, but it's not worth being ostracized by my family. Whereas, the only person who can get mad at me for making fun of me is me. That's not so bad.
GREAT post. I'm going to put this on the essay group on SheWrites.
My guidelines? Well, I try not to hang anyone else's dirty laundry out – only my own.
Good points, Meredith!
There are ways to make a point without out giving away your source. For example, I recent wrote a story in which the first draft had a quote by a friend. Upon reading it, I realized the friend probably would not want/allow me to quote them. So, I made it an internal thought with no names mentioned, which worked almost as well as evidenced by the reaction of an audience I read the story to.
These are all great points, Meredith. Usually before I write an essay, it occupies my thoughts – non-stop – for an eternity. And one other thing I'd add is that I am not able to write an effective essay until I've been far, far removed from the situation I'm writing about – sometimes years later. I find the more dramatic and complicated the situation, the more distance I need before I can make sense of it on paper.
Great tips, Meredith. Thanks for sharing with us.
I agree with you. I was lucky enough to get consent from my family before writing about them. The essay was completely personal. When it appeared in a Boston newspaper, then on the silver screen and in a book, I learned that the personal is universal.
I have mixed feelings about this advice, only because it seems like if you censor this much– or think this much about other people–you are not going to be writing honestly. Yes, the essay is your story. But people who live with and are related to writers have to understand that we write. It's like being in a photographer's life-you're going to end up in some of the pictures. I just think if we over-think how other people in the story (who are really characters in a narrative even if it's nonfiction) will feel, we may never write any personal essays.
@Jennifer I try to be sensitive to others' feelings, but I admit that I don't go to the same lengths as Meredith (but of course I admire Meredith's work and I'm happy to get her insights on the blog). I'm glad that you said something, because I was starting to feel a little guilty. Good points!
Wow – everyone! Thank you so much for commenting (and thank you, Susan, for having me here).
I totally respect that everyone has a different (not right or wrong, just different) internal place from which we write and that there is a place in the creative community for all of us.
For me, I dont' overthink the process at all. Actually, I've found that I've written far far more (and far far deeper) knowing what my truth is as far as what I'll write about and what I won't. Many of my essays are very very personal. But the parameter gives me the ability to focus on the story — inside me.
Very thoughtful guidelines. In this day of telling all with no boundaries, it's so refreshing to know there are writers who share their stories while keeping the needs and concerns of others in mind.
I'm with Barbara–your perspective and restraint when to many are going with the tell-all approach is admirable.
A trully insightful post relevant to any writer outthere. Thanks and waiting for more posts to come!
In writing blog posts about writing-my own miniature essays–I can laugh about myself and my shortcomings because I know the things I say are universal problems. Laughing at myself gives me balance.